VILE SMILES

1) I get embarrassed for dogs when I see them poop while they are being walked. They always look super vulnerable and awkward while they are squatting and it makes me turn away and blush. Occasionally the owner senses my embarrassment and tries to shoot me a reassuring nod that says, “Hey it’s no big deal. You don’t have to look away. I mean I’m the one that has to pick this mess up and stuff it in my pocket. Literally-in my pocket. Just relax there guy.” But I don’t relax.

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2) I’m right handed but I have one ambidextrous trait in that I brush my teeth with my left hand. Whenever the subject of ambidexterity (which is every other week where I roll) comes up, it never fails that I bring up this little fact expecting ooh’s and aah’s. However, nobody ever cares and there are no ooh’s, aah’s, or for that matter even blah’s. I try to recover with a tasteful black joke and sometimes it wins them over. Sometimes there are black people in the room and then of course, I have no recourse.—-source, porche, morse

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3) I have an obsession with the size of my head. Remember that cute kid from Jerry Maguire? Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? Really? Does it? Well little guy, I can tell you that a 15 year old Ryan went and put his fucking head on a scale. It came back absolutely horrific like 14 pounds or something. I freak out and my mom tries to convince me that there was no way for me to accurately weigh it because it was attached to my body and my body weight was messing with the scale reading. I never get convinced of this and quite honestly I do not feel that I grew into my head until about three weeks ago. Thanks anyway mom.