VILE SMILES

Supertramp’s “Logical Song” was playing in my head when I woke up today. I haven’t heard the song in two years. But such is my head.

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I have obsessive thoughts. Not so much like OCD, because people with OCD have compulsions; they drive around the block a couple times to make sure they didn’t run someone over or pick their turds out of the toilet to make sure they didn’t swallow their watch while sleeping. No you see, I’m a much lesser crazy—-In times of anxiety, I get songs stuck in my head. Yeah that’s right, laugh asshole but it’s true. The first time it happened was in 6^th grade and Kevin Wilson started to sing “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”; for some reason I couldn’t stop playing it over and over again. And it had nothing to do for my longing for Orphan Annie as I, like many, believe red heads shouldn’t be allowed to vote…

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My friend Kim to me:

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Kim: Alright now, would you rather A) Go down on your dad or B) Have sex with your mom?

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Me: As much as I want to rally against my alleged Oedipus complex, I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole.

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Me: Okay my turn, here we go: Would you rather be A) Red headed or B) Have a lisp

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Kim: You suck at this. Lisp. No brainer. Ugh there should be a Marshall Law curfew for those freaks.

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So the songs would play over so much to the point of debilitation—I wouldn’t be able to eat, sleep, concentrate etc. It was a total nightmare. I can’t exactly put my finger on the exact point it became easier to deal but it got more subtle and became easier. I get it though—people have schizophrenia, are cutting themselves to drain out the spiders from their veins, and are making best friends with ceiling fans, which are much more real problems. But trust in that no matter how much you like your favorite band; having their top ten song play over and over again throughout the day is not as cool as you think—-

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Pixies “Where is my Mind?”—cool having in your head when walking down the street on a sunny day, holding some pretty girl’s hand and being complimented on the aesthetics of your penis. “oh this old thing?”

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Pixies “Where is my Mind?”—-not cool having in your head when you are picking through your turd to find the watch you ate.

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There was a time when I was taking antidepressants to combat the anxiety. So listen, I’m all about you trying to get your head on straight and maybe Paxil is keeping you from crying hours on end for no apparent reason. But for me, and the crap I was on; it was horrible. You get void of emotion and you get fat (not like real fat people though..ew…..just slightly less attractive–and for me it sucks more because I have a complex about my head—I think it’s too big for my body….with this big head comes a big face which retains water….now I have a big fat face because of these fucking crazy pills….little jerkoffs). Furthermore, you have to be really careful about what you ingest when you are on this stuff. Not mixing with alcohol is the big one, but nobody pays attention to that one——However don’t take my advice but I can attest to slightly more bearable hangovers. No, what I am talking about are things more random. For instance, I had a gnarly cold a few years back and I had a bottle of Robitussin from which I was taking swigs. Now I’m no square or nancy-boy, and I know you shouldn’t take too much cough syrup because it can get you kind of loopy. What I didn’t know is that just a wee bit of cough syrup mixed with the medicine I was on can induce a full blown trip—-yeah-like the “Dude, dude…I like saw  God and like I don’t know how to say it ,but he is a Monopoly board” type of trip. One minute I’m on the phone with my mom telling her that my cold was getting a little better. The next minute I was on the phone with my mom and was afraid that her voice was going to jump into my head and steal my Contra codes. I put my shoes on to run out the door as I now felt my apartment was going to swallow me. However, I forgot how to tie the laces so I got even more upset because I thought they were mad at me (the shoes) and curled up into a ball on the floor for four hours.

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Yeah it’s really neat to have a hallucinogenic anxiety attack while on the phone with your mom. Thanks Elli Lilly.

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That was one of the last straws for me as I threw caution to the wind and decided to wing it on a more holistic approach. I subbed the meds with exercise and Saint John’s Wort. It’s pretty bad though as I now believe even if you are impaled on a wooden post or shot in the face, it’s nothing a little Chamomile tea can’t cure. It also helps to talk about it when it pops up like it did today or just write it down for everybody else to see and try to poke a little fun in the process.

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I know it sounds absurd. But please tell me who I am.

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Yeah that’s how I roll.  Pussy