VILE SMILES

I wrote a personal ad.  I could say that there was more behind than trying to get a rise out of people but then I would be lying.  I’m not smart enough to have planned this out to make some sort of point.  I used to go into the park when I was younger to set newspapers on fire.  This was kind of the same deal.

So I’m not here to wow you with some steamy picture of my testicles flopping around because I fancy myself somewhat of a gentleman.  On the other hand, I am not going to be modest by any means because quite frankly; you really can’t do much better than me.  I mean seriously; you are on here now—either at work when you should be doing more important things or locked up in your bedroom with a face full of ice cream.  I’m hip to your game so don’t try and bullshit a bullshitter.

So let’s get something out of the way—I’m not your first choice and you sure as shit aren’t mine, so please save me all your prose of entitlement.  I get that you are a really unique person because we all are, but spare me your description of the world that your dad said you deserved.  Respond with some decorum and tone down all those wonderful characteristics that have your last boyfriend not returning your desperate texts.

So me- I’m 27 and consider myself pretty good looking.  The fact that I am on here pleading my case may suggest otherwise, but I think that you will be pleasantly surprised.  I have a good job and a nice apartment.  I like to travel—Actually now that I think about it; what asshole doesn’t like to travel?  I think the Eagles are gay, so when they lose I won’t be slapping you in the face with a wing sauce-stained hand.  This is a nice segue way into food; I don’t eat it.  I get by mostly on rice cakes and laxatives.  I run about 8 miles a day and have a rigorous work out regimen.  So I am asking politely: if you are thinking to yourself, “Am I a little curvy?”—you are, so don’t waste your time responding.  Is me saying this appalling?  Maybe.  But so is the fact that you see nothing wrong with having jellybean milkshakes and putting on those jeans that exacerbate the calamity that is your ass. 

You need not apply with previous suicide attempts or should you have any opiate dependencies.  However, like I said, I prefer slimmer women, so if you use coke and smoke cigarettes, it’s really not that big of a deal—we all need a little help.  Please be college educated and capable of holding conversations about things other than yourself.  Please no children.  And if you have ever slept with a black guy, we really couldn’t get past the first drink.  If you are from Philly, don’t be from the northeast because as I mentioned, I would prefer it if you had a frontal lobe.  And that was probably being redundant anyway because I said you can’t have opiate dependencies.

So if you think you can comply with this, please get back to me with a picture.

Happy hunting ladies.

In the end I was pretty disappointed because all of the responses I got were just telling me that they got a laugh out of it—I was going for asshole here.  To suggest I’m not good at trying to pretend to be one is just lunacy.  Whatever the case, I shit the bed.  However we have a half assed consolation prize courtesy of Joanie here

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2008

From: xxxx@gmail.com

To: pers-740308081@craigslist.org

Subject: CL

Contemptuous and rancorous much?

From: Ryan

Sent: Wed 7/02/08

To: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

Subject: Re: CL

Holy smokes-she’s a walking thesaurus.  I think that’s hot.  Are you a big giant fat person.  If not, what’s your number?

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2008

From: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

To: Ryan

Subject: Re: Re: CL

No, I’m an Amazon (close enough right?), and I fight like one too.

Number huh? Are your text messages as wry and entertaining as your CL rant?

From: Ryan

Sent: Wed 7/02/08

To: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: CL

That’s awesome.  I fight Puerto Ricans.  You sound neat.

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2008

From: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

To: Ryan

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: CL

I am going to assume, and, for your sake, hope that you are being facetious and telling a really bad joke in this email.  Is there something wrong with you?  Do you think this is funny?  You seriously need to do a self inventory and find out exactly what is missing in your life that you feel so compelled to lash out.

From: Ryan

Sent: Wed 7/02/08

To: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  CL

You use too many commas and big words.  It’s like reading diarrhea.

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2008

From: Joanie (xxxx@gmail.com)

To: Ryan

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: CL

You’re an idiot

So, many thanks to Joanie as that was all I was really going for.  Yup, that’s all I got.  The fire is out and I have to run home so I’m not late for dinner and get in trouble.