VILE SMILES

So yesterday the Euro 2008 soccer final is on and I’m all shits and giggles because I want Spain to beat Germany.  I’m not Spanish.  I’m Irish and Polish—-two of the non-olive skinned, lesser attractive nationalities in Europe, but I still have a legitimate reason to be pretty stoked.  I spent a semester over there my Junior year, decided not to get a job after college (pretty smart), and was on a plane back to Barcelona literally the day after I graduated—so obviously I think Spain is pretty neat.  I eventually ran out of money and came back, but not without turning into a total piece of euro trash in the process…fake euro trash.  Unfortunately during the few years since I would be known to interject into way too many conversations with anecdotal references like, “Oh yeah this one time when I was in Spain..” or “Well this sucks because the bars in Madrid don’t close until..”  With being euro trash comes a false sense of superiority, so I would also assume that because it sounds exotic, you thought Spain was somewhere in South Jersey and that you have never been on a plane….and don’t know how to read.  So when I would talk about my many European jaunts, I would do it while making airplane noises, arms spread out, and run around the room to simulate going across the Atlantic just so you would understand.  Go Spain

So back to this game; it turns out where they are playing, Ernst Happel Stadium in Vienna, was used during WWII by the Nazis to hold Jews.  It wasn’t an extermination camp but it was used to study the thousands of prisoners that were held there just before they got sent up the river or down the river–whatever.  They would do “race measurements” like measure their noses, distance between their eyes, etc.  Now I’m not some bleeding heart from the ACLU and it’s not exactly like having an ultimate Frisbee tournament at Dachau, but there just seemed to be a smidge of sacrilege going on here.  I mean seriously dude, a fucking soccer game at a Nazi detainment camp?  I understand Austria is like two miles wide so it’s pretty hard to walk fifteen feet without tripping over some cute old grandfather-type that was in a Gestapo death squad but for shit’s sake, I’m sure they could have put heads together for this one. 

Who knows though? I mean Holocaust denial is illegal in many European countries so maybe they didn’t want to fuck around.  Maybe they were at the bar and some shit started like:

Italy: Hey you guys, I heard Austria saying something the other day that he was not too sure about the Holocaust being as bad as it was. (All European countries at the bar turn to look at Austria with disgust, with the exception of the Eastern European ones who seem oblivious because they are too busy being pale and looking like they have Downs Syndrome.)

Austria: What the fuck are you talking about? Hitler was born right next to my knee.  So I think I know it better than most. 

France: Whatever bro, if you said it, you said it.  Just admit it.

Austria: Are you guys eating paint chips?  I told you.  I never said it.

England:  Seriously, don’t be a bitch.  Stop your backtracking. 

Austria: That’s it, I’m outta here! (finishes beer and slams glass on the counter)  I’ll show you assholes!  I’ll scream Holocaust from the rooftops! 

Either everybody knows not to get a bunch of drinks into Austria and dare him to do crazy shit or there was some other bizarre set of events that made yesterday the Colonel Klink championship.  Whatever the case, it was creepy. But Spain won and the streets of South Jersey were filled with raucous fans.  Ole’