VILE SMILES

Before you call me up one night and say that you want to come hang out down my neck of the woods for a couple beers, there is some shit that we need to clear out of the way before you set foot in this part of South Philly.  Understand that we are outnumbered by an inordinate amount of hipsters and their glaring eyes will be judging us from head to toe.  So I am going to need you to blend, be cool, and keep a low profile.  I can’t have you fucking up my street cred.

Rule #1: you already shit the bed by calling me the night of.  I need at least a 2 day head start for a project like this as we will not be able to shower for at least those 48 hours prior to grabbing a beer.  Your body odor must be repulsive and your hair needs a nice aged grease.  And piggy backing on this; pick out your outfit for the big night and leave it outside under a rock for a day or so.

Rule #2: I need you to grab the New York Times and read the first sentence of each column on the first page.  Should you read more you will have too much of the real facts and unable to communicate in some of the most witless and uninformed political and current event conversations known to man.  The idea here professor is to just make it up as you go.  They can smell a suit like you from a mile away.

Rule #3: Have at least 5 bucks in change.  And I mean nickels and dimes-None of that bourgeois quarter nonsense.  This is for we buy or beers at last call.  You can be all like, “Yeah that asshole didn’t pay us for our last 2 shows” to the chick sitting next to you.

Rule #4: If you dare set foot near a jukebox your best bet is to pick a song that is in there handwritten on a coaster.  And know how to pronounce Ian MacKaye’s last name. 

Rule#5: I need you to mix it up with a minor fast and or purging.  Hints of emaciation, malnutrition, and bags under the eyes are essential features.

Rule#6: No underwear.  Yes your jeans are outside under a rock and are pretty foul but we need a about a small amount of crack to nonchalantly pop out in the back every once in a while.  When people see a part of your butt it reminds them you are a piece of shit-this is what we are shooting for.

Rule#7: Should any type of sport be on the bar TV, hell if anybody is walking too fast, show no interest or knowledge whatsoever.  As far as you are concerned the Phillies are winning the match against the Springfield Atoms by a hat trick.  Or they are losing-whatevs dude

Rule#8: I have a girlfriend but I can be your wingman.  So if your coming out to try and get laid-go for it.  To aide I recommend having a bundle of coke on you.  And it would serve your character development best if you bought it with money you were going to use on rent, mortgage, child support, etc.

Rule#:9: Even if you don’t smoke, learn how to roll a cigarette.  This way while you’re rolling it you can talk about how you can make ninety cigarettes from the three dollar bag of tobacco you have.  Oh and how stupid everybody that buys regular cigarettes is.

Rule#10: Hey bro it’s the best one! Come on down and let’s have us some fun!

I know it’s a lot but you will thank me the next morning when you’re all spooned up against a girl whose name you don’t know.  You will be on a mattress on the floor and it will be hot because the electricity is turned off but you will laying on you’re back, playing with your balls, maybe strumming her guitar, staring at the ceiling knowing that you came down here and owned it.