Yeah I totally lied when I said I was going to be writing in June.
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In all honesty though; I would have had nothing of substance to give to you. June consisted of me hating my job and being all bitchy with bouts of anxiety. Hypothetically- this anxiety became totally exacerbated when I attempted to smoke pot a couple times and I had a massive panic attack.
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Seriously dude? A fucking panic attack? From pot right? Bob Saget’s character in Half Baked is absolutely disgusted with me. Haha—”Have you ever sucked dick for pot?” Priceless. Come to mention it, my dad would probably be pretty disgusted with me as well.
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I get older and older, and acquire more and more complexes and insecurities. Instead of getting high and rubbing one out to Dorothy right while Eclipse starts, I am instead obsessing over garbage……Am I making enough? Am I happy enough? Do I want to be in Philly again? Did you hear that? I think it’s my heart dude. Dude come here and feel my heart. Fuck I can’t catch my breathe. Dude don’t laugh it’s not funny I can’t catch my breathe. Call 911. Please call 911 dude I ‘m freaking out over here.
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And then I eventually come back to reality and realize I am all but a shadow of a real man. Real men everywhere were having their real men meetings and holding secret ballots to decide if I would be allowed to retain my penis. Then the burly lumberjack stood up and proclaimed, “Why must we hold this vote under secret? This is Ryan we are talking about. I mean the guy wanted to go to the ER after smoking a joint. I am sure there is not one real man in this great hall that is concerned at what faggoty repercussions may ensue should Miss Ryan find out that they voted against him”. The carpenter, bull rider, and guy that smelts things all agreed and the vote was held in public. By a vote of 3 billion to one it was decided that I am not a real man. Removal all man-stuff is pending accommodation of the guy with the pliers schedule. I will keep you updated.
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All this being said, I think I can comfortably say that there is a lot of crappy job stuff behind me as I have some really neat things going on. I have to keep tight lipped but will let you know asap. If you are as smart as I hope to dear God that I think you are, then I hope that you put two and two together and realize that I am a bit happier and will understandably be writing in this horrible blog more often. I promise. Not really. I’m lazy.
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PS–It’s my birthday and I’m off to Mexico. Peace out dog.