VILE SMILES

.

There was a girl who came into the bar last night with an eye patch.  Yup-an eye patch.  Ps–ugh.  You see what you just did?  You thought there might be a pirate joke in here somewhere.  There’s not so keep walking Sally Ann.  I fucking hate you.  Don’t get me wrong-I adore Jack Sparrow and the fact that Johnny Depp is 18% better looking than me while being like 50 years old has a guy wanting to write an open letter to Jesus Christ and thank him for such beautiful things– but I swear to that same Jesus Christ;  If you mention pirates, ninjas, pirates vs ninjas, or have the balls to start spewing out those heinous Chuck Norris facts around me; I will pluck off one of said balls, unravel it and make it into a friendship bracelet for your mother

 Anyway– 

.

Me: Dude, dude.  Who’s that chick?

.

Bartender Pat: Oh that’s Sandy.  Cool chick.

.

Me: Cool chick with an eye patch huh?  What-did the lead singer of Murder by Death choke on a tofu burrito and die? ….. Get it? Get Murder by Death? Haha.  Oh me and my obscure references.  Anyway-stupid hipsters making their boring little fashion statements.  Neat.

.

Bartender Pat: Are you being a dick right now?
.

Me: Bro you know what I mean.  The schtick gets a little old.

.

Bartender Pat: Are you out of your mind?  She was at the dog park on 8th with her French Bulldog like last week.  She is doing her thing and some Pit bull or Doberman  started attacking hers.  She got in the middle of it and the dog bit her in the face.   A la- the eye patch.

.

Me: Can I interject?

.

Bartender Pat: Yeah.  What?

.

Me:  I just wanted to point out that it is extremely gay you know what kind of dog she has.  A la-anal sex with a man
.

Bartender Pat: Anyway.  Ryan, like everybody knows this story.  The Doberman/Pit’s owner goes ape shit and starts pulling it off her fucking face.  He manages to get it loose but the thing gets free and attacks her again—gets her right in the crotch.
.

Me: Well this is panning out as a great inquiry . . .
.

Bartender Pat: Literally right into her vagina.  Like, it starts shaking its head violently while it has her in its grip….by her vagina.  Seriously she might lose her fallopian tubes or something.

.

Me: Or might lose her whole vagina vagina vagina? I seriously doubt that.

.

Bartender Pat: They are saying she might need a vasectomy.

.

Me: I think you mean a hysterectomy.

.

Bartender Pat: What?

.

Me: Forget it.

.

Whatever.  Crappy hipsters making statements with their fancy little dogs.

.

Ps- I want to apologize for the tiny font.  I’m trying to figure it out.  Thanks blog writing template thing.

Patty’s day fills my neighborhood with fat people (I know-gross) and tourists.

1) Irish people don’t like your Irish tattoo or multiple Irish tattoos especially when you can’t find their country on a map.

-

2) Irish people don’t drink green beer. Green beer is for white trash. Or it’s for black people too who have confused it with a big glass of new flavored Hypnotic.

-

3) Irish people don’t like you delivering the punch lines to Irish jokes in a crappy accent. They aren’t impressed. They rather you finish college and learn a second language.

-

4) Irish people don’t want to be kissed all the time-they’re not pussies. Instead they want to soak that tee-shirt in Humback Whale pee and set your face on fire.

-

5) Irish people don’t care that you are a certain percent Irish and that’s why you always get “blacked the fuck out” every Patty’s Day. They’d rather you be 75% “shut the fuck up” and 25% “dead.”

-

6) Irish people don’t like that you’re getting all hip and calling soccer; “football” and pretending to like watching it on TV. I played soccer my whole life. Please believe me when I say I am way better than you. I will say that it is absolutely atrocious to watch. Even I think you’re gay for doing that. Multiply that by a bajillion and cover with a million shiny pink cocks and that is how gay the Irish think your posing is. It’s soccer dude.

-

Move your car and go home fat ass.

5 months.  I’ll admit laziness but you need a fucking PHD from MIT LMNOP to un-fuck a Wordpress login problem.  ”Everybody and their grandmother has a website these days!  You should do it Ryan-it’s so easy!”  Really asshole is it that easy?  Maybe your grandmother is some kinda black-magic clairvoyant but it ain’t that easy homeboy—–pussy.  Ugh—whatever I’m the man and I got this chumpy up and running again so we will start anew tomorrow and get everything back on track because this took me all night.  Plus I have nothing.  The creative juices need some time to simmer.  A night’s rest should suffice.  Plus I gotta go watch Jack Bauer beat the nuts off of some fake African country.  later gators-manana